| ayyy. |
[04 Jul 2006|05:22am] |
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yeah.
i bet ignorance is bliss for some...
then there are those without an ounce of integrity who keep those little worlds blissful with their lies.
reality knows better though.
what a nice boy. :)
HAPPY 4TH OF JULY!!
<33333
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| a lifetime of secrets secured in the stars... |
[08 Jun 2006|02:55am] |
hello surprisinglystillaLIVEJOURNAL. :)
been a while indeed.
i've graduated finally.
i'm moving this summer to Carrolton for college, where I'll be attending the University of West Georgia, YAY. i'm still fixed on a psychology major with a doctoral degree and all that goodness. god i'm going to be in school forever...i'd say it's worth it though.
i saw NIN in Atlanta again. Fucking AMAZING#@&%!
reading back on these old entries is not fun.
i miss my izzy and our summer of 2005.
i miss rooftop reflections and nights on the dock.
sneaking around with a bag of cheese puffs close by..
it's funny how loopy life can be...ha
what you once thought was dead in your past all of a sudden is here again...in front of you. something you loved for so long, and fought so hard to forget...it's back. as confusing and chaotic as it is- i find it much easier to just not think about the gravity of it all. just enjoy it..the future is uncertain. circumstances are crucial. intentions are innocent.
some love never dies.
true love is eternal.
<3
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| Barbie and bitches... |
[30 Oct 2005|07:24pm] |
...the highlight of my day. As pathetic as it is.
I hate to whine, BUT...
My feelings are hurt so bad. For all you ignorant fuckwits out there who think you know everything about me and my life, you don't. You don't know half of what you think you know, so why talk about it like you can write a novel on me? I've always been a passive-aggressive person for the most part, but I can feel it all building up...building up and ready to explode from the depths of me. I can't stand rumors, but more than that the dumbfucks who start them and the dumberfucks who spread them. I'm sure we're all guilty of it somewhat...but think please. I'm not preaching by all means, but I've been at the base of rumors for a while now, and I've had enough. Stay the fuck out of my life, and my relationship, you asshole. You've already taken her away from me, you're already trying to ruin my reputation with bullshit, and now you're after him too. When will it be enough? Work on improving your own life before you worry about anyone else's.
If there's one thing I've realized about life, is that it changes. Nothing is permanent. Nothing is consistent. I've come to terms with that. I'm beginning to learn to be content with it...though sometimes I find myself getting a little bothered of reminders and memories and faces. People are the evil. It's so hard putting my faith and trust in someone, knowing what they are capable of...I miss my best friend. But I'm better off...and apparently she is too. I feel like myself is all I have sometimes. Times like these that's a fact...But sometimes that's the safest way to go. And that's sad.
I don't feel right. My heart hurts and I'm pissed off. I'm so confused...But, it's temporary. Like everything else. Only temporary...Remember that. I'll just sleep it off, say fuck it, and get over it. Time only goes on, as does everything else. This is all a necessary means to freedom...to the life ahead of me. The life ahead of me 345435823 miles away from here. GOD I'm just ranting on and on...talking to myself. Today has sucked. Maybe tomorrow will be decent.
ANYWAY. Me and Rachel saw a crazy deer today that looked like a half llama/half deer...It was awesome. And Mr. Heard is my favorite teacher I think. He just always knows what to say to me to cheer me up. And he's always right. DAMN SKRAIGHT. My stomach hurts from greasy chicken, happy boo day. NIN kicked ass. I'm out.
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| This sweeeet insanity |
[05 Sep 2005|02:15pm] |
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My party was crazy.
Haha I'm tired...Thanks for an entertaining birthday for everyone that came and made it fun. :D
People I've never seen before kept coming after it was over asking where the keg was and I thought it was funny...haha. I like having the power to make people leave that I don't like. Have a good day! :)
Now I'm off to work. Bleeeh.
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| acoustic is loooove |
[31 Aug 2005|06:25pm] |
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mood |
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] |
Hello world.
I finally got my car back today from the shop...it took long enough. 2 weeks without a car is hell. Watch out Leroy, I know where you live.
Micah and I are together. <3 8.18.05. I kind of don't care about the official date...considering it's been on and off for over a year anyway. Who cares.
Hollister is going alright. The hours suck of course, but I've met cool people and new friends and everyday's a party so it's not bad.
Having my party Sunday...Anxious to see how that'll go. Haha
I'm going bowling tonight with the Hollister crew at 8. That will definitely be interesting. :)
Nothing to say really...I've been busy.
Love you.
I'm happy.
Live it up.
:D
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| Roast beef is what's for dinner...hehe. |
[12 Aug 2005|06:43pm] |
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Eh, ew.
As cliche' as this is, high school sucks and I hate it. I miss Skylar so much already...Why can't UGA be about a few billion miles closer. :( That's how far it seems to be away. I'm tired and sore from aerobics...I'm so excited about getting fit and hot from that class. My hand needs to get better so I can work my upper body more. BLEEEH, stupid careless Steph. :P I don't get off until late so I guess I'll drive by Blockbuster and pick up Sex and the City with Rachel and call it a night. Sex and the City is my dreeeam. :D
All you praying people out there, pray for Izzy. She's currently in temporary hell.
311 in 2 weeeeeeks!!!
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| Beautiful Buddhism....A few of my favorites ♥ |
[04 Aug 2005|02:46pm] |
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mood |
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"The beauty of life is, while we cannot undo what is done, we can see it, understand it, learn from it and change so that every new moment is spent not in regret, guilt, fear or anger but in wisdom, understanding and love." ♥Jennifer Edwards
"Let your love flow outward through the universe,
To its height, its depth, its broad extent,
A limitless love, without hatred or enmity.
Then as you stand or walk,
Sit or lie down,
As long as you are awake,
Strive for this with a one-pointed mind;
Your life will bring heaven to earth."
♥Sutta Nipata
"Remember always that you are just a visitor here, a traveler passing through. your stay is but short and the moment of your departure unknown.
None can live without toil and a craft that provides your needs is a blessing indeed. But if you toil without rest, fatigue and wearness will overtake you, and you will denied the joy that comes from labour's end.
Speak quietly and kindly and be not forward with either opinions or advice. If you talk much, this will make you deaf to what others say, and you should know that there are few so wise that they cannot learn from others.
Be near when help is needed, but far when praise and thanks are being offered.
Take small account of might, wealth and fame, for they soon pass and are forgotten. Instead, nurture love within you and and strive to be a friend to all. Truly, compassion is a balm for many wounds.
Treasure silence when you find it, and while being mindful of your duties, set time aside, to be alone with yourself.
Cast off pretense and self-deception and see yourself as you really are.
Despite all appearances, no one is really evil. They are led astray by ignorance. If you ponder this truth always you will offer more light, rather
then blame and condemnation.
You, no less than all beings have Buddha Nature within. Your essential Mind is pure. Therefore, when defilements cause you to stumble and fall, let not remose nor dark foreboding cast you down. Be of good cheer and with this understanding, summon strength and walk on.
Faith is like a lamp and wisdom makes the flame burn bright. Carry this lamp always and in good time the darkness will yield and you will abide in the Light."
♥Dhammavadaka
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| All hell can't stop us now... |
[03 Aug 2005|09:57am] |
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mood |
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 busy |
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"Some people walk in the rain, others just get wet." ~Roger Miller
The world always makes the assumption that the exposure of an error is identical with the discovery of truth - that the error and truth are simply opposite. They are nothing of the sort. What the world turns to, when it is cured on one error, is usually simply another error, and maybe one worse than the first one. ~H.L. Mencken
I'm sitting here at work taking a little break from all the strenuous filing and chart making I've been doing...I don't mind though, it's good money and I can deal with the paper cuts and damaged hands. God I hope Matt from Hollister calls me like he said he would and gives me the job. I'm ready to be a senior. I'm ready to get through with high school. I'm ready to be through with this stage of life...it's been a bitch. I guess the reason I'm not that bummed about school starting again is that I'm looking forward and counting down the days in my head until 311 and NIN in concert. WEE :D So excited!! Looking back though from this summer, it hasn't been too bad. Micah drama and our many ups and downs and despite it all I'm still crazy about him, riding around all night with Izzy with the windows down singing at the top of our lungs, all the fun with Skylar, the lake, the bonfires, sitting with Izzy under the stars for hours talking about life, the many tears I didn't cry, the gazebo, the parties, dancing at the Tap with Katie and Izzy, cheese puffs, turkish silvers, schmokiedokie, hanging out and making out, downtown adventures, eating at Country's everyday, 90's alternative, Sex and the City, Montreat and meeting Dylan, the stars, dancing in the water fountain downtown with Sarah and Izzy, being so carefree and content, EVERYTHING. There's so many memories from this summer that I will carry with me for a long time. And the fact that I've been in serious debt all summer doesn't even bring me down. We are all wanderers on this earth. Our hearts are full of wonder, and our souls are deep with dreams. :)
Sex, drugs, and rock n roll. Amen.
Just kidding.
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| One familiar song... |
[13 Jul 2005|02:17pm] |
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Tried to save myself, but myself keeps slipping away...
Hey...at least I tried. :D
This summer has been amazing. I'm leaving for the beach on Friday..It's about to get more amazing. I was thinking to myself the other night laying in bed...I don't know who or what I am at this point in my life. And this state of confusion explains alot for me and my actions recently. I feel as if I've been molded into a self replica of someone else at a young vulnerable age, and now I'm free and clueless to who I'm supposed to be. I decided though, I'm young and I can't be too hard on myself. My life is trying to figure itself out and I'm going to let it. I know my boundaries...I want to experience life. I miss being in love, but I'm content where I am. I've been focusing on the little things, and I've been finding so much joy and peace in that. Life is pretty good right now...I've crawled out of the pit and I'm ready to begin again. I'm ready to end high school and go to college and get my pyschology degree and leave here, to start over. Ahh I can't wait.
Last night was fun as hell. Minus being hormonal...After a quick trip to Fountain City for a smoothie and water I was fine. :) Micah came to see me, that helped too. I can't stop eating graham crackers, I don't get it.
I want to meet new people. I want to learn something new. I want to sit and have a deep philosophical conversation with complete strangers. I want to dance in the street. I want to turn a gay man straight. I want to meet Maynard James Keenan and ask him hundreds of questions. I want Trent Reznor to know how scary it is that he knows me so well. I want Brandon Boyd to know I'm the girl for him. I want to watch the Andy Milonakis show. I want to paint a famous masterpiece...
so good to see you...i've missed you so much.
so glad it's over...i've missed you so much.
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| Calling Kousin Karma. |
[02 Jul 2005|01:49am] |
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I just loooove getting screwed ooooveeeer. Don't we aaaaall. There's another mental tally.
I'm probably going to end up being the coldest person on earth in a matter of time.
Cheers, good night.
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| I just can't... |
[28 Jun 2005|11:42pm] |
"Remember when the days were long
And rolled beneath a deep blue sky
Didn't have a care in the world
With mommy and daddy standin' by
But "happily ever after" fails
And we've been posisoned by thse fairy tales
The lawyers dwell on small details
Since daddy had to fly
But I know a place where we can go
That's still untouched by men
We'll sit and watch the clouds roll by
And the tall grass wave in the wind
You can lay your head back on the ground
And let your hair fall all around me
Offer up your best defense
But this is the end
This is the end of the innocence"
Ups and downs. God they never stop.
I'm depressed as hell, and nothing can help. Time is to cliche, and too much of a hypocrit. I want my life back. I miss everything. I miss me happy. I miss the simple worry free life. I miss security. I miss my sanity. Hell I miss me. I can't fucking cry, and it's all I need to do. I don't know if I can handle this emotionless person this medication has made me be. I can't feel, I can't react. I'm a zombie. I'm fake. I don't feel real anymore. There's too much weight...there's too much darkness. There's too much confusion. Too much numbness. Too much of me trying to do whatever it takes to be okay when I'm only making things worse for myself and the people who love me. This headache is unbearable. These ups and downs won't stop, and I'm drained. Drained of everything I am. Drained of life. My heart hurts...my body hurts. I need to know it'll be okay. Maybe I'm just being impatient...Life has gotten so fucking complicated. I'm not who I used to be. I'm somebody else. I walk around carrying these deep invisible scars, hoping maybe everything will one day be fine and I can forget. Forget the pain I've endured. Forget the countless number of times I've wanted to die. Forget the backs turned on me. Forget the knives stabbed deep into my back. I just want to forget. I'm a wreck...and I can do nothing but sit motionless and stare.
God if you're there, I need you. I need you now.
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| Diamonds in the sky. <3 |
[28 Jun 2005|02:48pm] |
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These drastic ups and downs are definitely wearing me out. Pyscho bitches are definitly wearing me out. And Micah baby, you are wearing me out. But I'm still here. Being patient. Remaining sane. Soaking up the goodness out of my days. Life seems to be treating me a little better, maybe it's the medication. Who knows...Maybe its the love. I want to experience so much in this short life...Trent Reznor knows me so well.
"I want to know everything.
I want to be everywhere.
I want to fuck everyone in the world.
I want to do something that matters."
And of course that's not literal speaking. I was just thinking about how short life is, and I want to accomplish so much in the time I have. I want to experience the world and everything in it. I want to meet amazing people who I can learn from. I want to help people until the day I die. I decided to major in psychology and minor in philosophy. Philosophy is a beautiful thing. Last night me, my sister, and Izzy climbed out my window and sat up on my roof on a blanket, listened to Keane and Ben Folds, and stared at the stars and just reflected. No matter how screwed up humans make this world, we can't touch the stars. They will always remain beautiful and no one can change that. They'll stay a constant reminder to me of purity, hope, and peace.
". . . Well it's a lonely road that you have chosen
Morning comes and you don't want to know me anymore
And it's a long time since your heart was frozen
Morning comes and you don't want to know me anymore
For a moment your eyes open and you know
All the things I ever wanted you to know
I don't know you, and I don't want to
Till the moment your eyes open and you know . . ."
311 concert in August.
Keane concert in September.
Can't waaaait. :D
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| It seems to be... |
[23 Jun 2005|09:26pm] |
Hi, I made a MySpace like the rest of the world. :)
www.myspace.com/x_spiralout
Micah is hot.
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| What I am to you is not real. |
[19 Jun 2005|10:25am] |
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mood |
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chipper |
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I'm home...and it feels good. Sort of, I miss the people. Friends, new and old. I became friends with lots of people this year at Montreat, WOO. I miss Anderson the most, haha. And that's funny...Now Izzy leaves me for a week and I hate that. I'm at her house now updating before she leaves. I stopped by this morning to bring her a present and see her before she goes, WAHHH. She's marvelous.
My parents don't get it.
Damien Rice = coooool "I can't take my mind off of you."
Mmmhmm parking lots are hot.
I see Jen later, YESSSS!
Swamp Song. XXXX
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| I don't want to come back down from this cloud... |
[07 Jun 2005|02:25am] |
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Bush. Nirvana. Breaking Benjamin. One of those nights...I love those long heart to heart talks riding in the car with your best friend where one minute you're sad and confused, and by the end of the conversation you feel like you've been hit with a ton of bricks and you realize how silly and stupid you've been for so long and you just can't help but laugh and ask yourself what the fuck you were thinking. Ah, yes I like those. :)
Man I don't even know...Ha. Fun times in nursing homes with Izzy, Allen, and his brother in Christ, Nick. Fun times with anatomically correct dolls. Fun times...period.
Why do I feel like I thrive off awkward moments?
Tonight Skylar said the cutest sweetest comment I've ever heard him say...He deserved a kiss. <3 "You are my cloud."
People piss me off. I don't get it.
I love Izzy and Skelo and that's all that matters. They're all that matter to me now.
I'm off to finish my fun dip then to crawl in bed with Izzy. It's been a long night.
God I miss him. :(
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| America....Fuck yeah. |
[02 Jun 2005|05:16pm] |
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mood |
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blah |
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So basically it's like...shit.
My written journal fell into the wrong hands. I feel exposed...I feel naked. I feel embarrassed. I spilled so much of my heart out on paper and revealed my deepest darkest feelings and I've been discovered. It doesn't seem fair...All of this is still unnecessary however.
Apparently I have an anger/resentment problem that I need to deal with. Personally, it's so much easier to not deal with it and let time work its magic.
Today is Thursday and Katie nor Izzy called about lunch. Not sure why...
I made a list of goals for this summer that I plan on continuing to next year.
I already have arrangments for volunteering different places in Columbus in July. It's mostly working with people who aren't as fortunate as me...I did the same thing last year and absolutely loved it. It's opened up my eyes and made me realize I want to help people as a career, so I'm looking into psychology and possibly being a psychologist or a psychiatrist. The more I think about it, the more it appeals to me. I'm also working out and trying to stay in shape to feel better about myself. The possibility of a job lingers in the back of my mind...I want to paint again, and I want to paint a lot. The only reason I would really get a job is to buy paint supplies which are so ridiculously expensive for some damn reason. I really want to be an artist...I almost forgot how much I loved it. I'm also going to learn to rely on myself for all my needs, and not others.
I'm sad and a little confused. I need to talk to her...I just don't know how.
Slightly pissed off. Ready to leave. Ready for anything. I want an adrenalin rush. I want something...
I made a Buddha shrine, it's hot, and Team America is WONDERFUUUL.
Also, last night I had a dream that I made out with Posh Spice and cried about it afterwards, then dreamt this image of me hugging Maynard James Keenan while posing for a picture. YES.
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| Beeeauuutiful |
[24 May 2005|04:19pm] |
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mood |
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chipper |
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Thank you God for summer. Thank you God for sunshine. Thank you God for suntanned toes and pink cheeks. :)
Patiently waiting...
Don't be scared of anything at all
Everything we have is all we need
All the spotlights streaming into angry skies
Means there's no one watching as we leave
Say the first thing that
Comes into your head when you see me
If it looks like it works and it feels like it works
Then it works
With the sun on your face
All these worries will soon disappear
Just follow me now <3
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| Everything falls apart, like all things eventually do...I do. |
[14 May 2005|10:44am] |
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mood |
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"I am myself, and if I have to hit my head against a brick wall to remain true to myself, I will do it."
- Marlon Brando
Just words will not suffice. Everything has been said. No more metaphors or jaunting juxtapositions need to be repeated. Counting down the days...
If you drove downtown last night you may have been lucky enough to see Steph, Izzy, and Sarah dancing in a dead fountain in the middle of Broadway. :D
Tried to save a place from the cuts and the scratches.
Tried to overcome the complications and the catches.
Nothing ever grows and the sun doesn't shine all day.
Tried to save myself but myself keeps slipping away.
School's almost out and that's REAL FUCKIN COOL.
Love you.
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| Talk nerdy to me... |
[08 May 2005|04:57pm] |
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mood |
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cheerful |
] |
Hooooly God prom was A DREEEEEAM. I'm up and above everything right now. I'm for the first time in a long time, honestly completely HAPPY. I feel like I'm living in the clouds. My life is back, I'm happier than I've ever been and I love everyone. I can't stop smiling, ah this feeling is indescribable.
I danced my ass off. Literally, ha. Um...Went to Chase's, felt goood. Me and Skylar had such a wonderful heart to heart talk on the way back to Kristin's...I'll definitely treasure that one forever. Got in the hot tub...damn. Ate biscuits. Ran around the front yard this morning dancing like a fool. Miles made a dance DVD of all of us dancing at school, and it's hot. Indeed...
Everybody looked gorgeous last night, but I did have the hottest date there. Izzy was definitely smokin... :D Love you honey. Me and Kho rocked out to Cake today in the cooper riding around town. As always...I have the best friends in the entire world and I'm forever thankful.
Well I'm going home to spend time with my mother considering it's her special day. But first dinner with Skylar and friends. MUAH. Bye beautiful people. LIFE IS GOOD!!
I can't stop roaring. I mean giggling. <3
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